Static

It's like I ate too much ice cream. I can feel the sugar rotting my teeth, my stomach rumbling in revolt and my head pounding with impending lethargy from the inevitable come down from the rush. Only it's not ice cream, this time, it's talking/thinking/living relationships. I thought I needed to keep going, to eat the whole pint, to talk it to death. Now I just want brush my teeth and go to bed because if I think one more thought about J..J!...J!!!, I think I might actually throw up.

I feel so vacuous. Am I really that girl who thinks about a boy when I should (should: whatever that means) be focusing my effort elsewhere?

Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I am. So be it.

I give up trying to prove that I have more important things to think about than love. Sure, I go on trying to save Hawaii from violence in all it's glorious forms. Sure, I have people looking to me for intense technical and theoretical advice. And I give it to them. I have some crazy, boring to some, skill set that makes me valuable here in Hawaii. I have insane motivation to fix the world. I spend hours writing and thinking and planning for how to strategically combat major social and behavioral health problems.

But when my mind isn't there. I'm thinking about a boy. And fuck, I'm not even embarrassed anymore to admit it. I'm just another human trying to make meaning out of this existence. And if that means wanting love, then that's what it means.

It doesn't make me any less sick of it being the background noise to my life right now, though.