Two Fears

It's not that I haven't wanted to blog in the past month, it's just that it seems like I'm not allowed to write about the things that I most want to write about.

This may come as a complete and total shock to most people, but I actually am very afraid of hurting people's feelings. I guess I should specify and say that:
Yes, I have no trouble speaking my mind and often that seems abrasive and rude and hurtful. But when it comes to things that are intellectual in nature, like getting in someone's face about something political, I don't have a problem asserting myself no matter the consequences.

But when it comes to matters of the heart, I don't have that ruthlessness (yes, I admit I can be ruthless about some things). I tip toe around things and keep my emotional romantic life quite personal.

I suppose, if I'm really honest, it's not only that I'm afraid of hurting other people, but I am equally afraid of being judged by other people. Again, this is only ever the case when it comes to matters of the heart. I normally couldn't care less what people think of me, but when it has to do with my partner of choice, I get hypersensitive to what other people think (read: too many years of family history working against me). It's as if somehow I can completely value my decisions when it comes to things that are intellectual, but emotionally I don't trust that I'm doing the right thing, and people are going to find out and criticize me. (In my deep explorations in self, I am more than aware of why this is, yet find it quite challenging to overcome.)

So, I feel like the things I most want to write about lately are things that I am afraid will either 1) hurt some people or 2) cause me to be judged in a negative light.

The implicit assumption here is that the people I'm afraid of hurting will even give a crap about what is happening in my life. Am I living in the past while they have moved on? Maybe.

I suppose this is a none-too-veiled post where I should just have written something along the lines of "OMG, like I totally have a boyfriend who I'm like totally in love with. OMG!"

And while in practice everything is going pretty great and wonderful, I am getting too caught up on theory. This has caused me to keep my life hidden, in a way, and I'm only now realizing that the hiding I've been doing to protect myself, is actually just causing unnecessary hurt (for myself and others).

The strangest part (or not, if you really dig into my history) is that I am completely not afraid of being judged by the people to whom I am the closest. It's the periphery that scares me. All the eyes watching and judging and not knowing. But why should I can about the people I don't even really respect?

Well, that's a lot of truth for one day. Maybe I've torn off the bandage and now I'll feel more comfortable posting the (amazing) insanity that has been my past month of life.