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What are the things I like to do with my life? I thought this would be a really easy question to answer. I mean shouldn’t I know if something is enjoyable to me or not? It turns out that I’ve been living my life so in fear of being rejected, that a lot of the things I always assumed were innate in me actually might not be.

Ask me a month ago and I would have told you that my perfect day was like a day I had spent in April: early to rise, early to surf, farmer’s market, breakfast at home from market goods, chill with friends and lover, wine tasting, ultimate, movie, bed. And in my being, I am inclined to say that that is still a perfect day for me. Only now I have doubts. I have doubts about the entire foundation on which I’ve created my adult life. As I’ve hit the reset button, I feel as though I need to reevaluate everything I do in my life, in addition to every relationship I have.

Am I really an athlete? Or have I just convinced myself that I am because athletics=conditioning=not being fat? I have always thought that I loved playing ultimate, but now I doubt. Maybe at some point it was my love, only then it morphed into being a way to stay physically fit more than a pastime. My body hurts now when I play. I’m not entire sure I’ve ever been built to compete in sports. But I’ve pushed myself in every physical direction there is: gymnastics, tennis, swimming, triathlon, football (!), ultimate, running, dance, strength training, the list goes on…

Am I an oenophile? Or is this something to make me seem interesting? I’ve learned about wine over the past decade and have always thought I loved it. But as my budget decreases, as I buy cheaper and less appealing wine, I find that my palate is not rejecting it nearly so much. So maybe the wine snobbery was just more about me proving that I have something unlike most others.

Am I really an epidemiologist? Or was this my way of placing myself in a stable career and having something to prove that I am intellectually worthy? Do I love epidemiology? When I sit in front of SAS for eight hours, my emphatic answer, is “no, I hate what I’m doing!” I like working with people, being a teacher of sorts. And this can definitely happen with epi, but have I forsaken what I really want to pursue something more intellectual?

I’ve tried to think of times in my life when I was doing something that actually made me unaware of the world around me, that make time pass unknowingly, that I felt so immersed in I wasn’t thinking about the next step.

Sometimes it happens with writing. When I journal, I am unaware of anything but the words coming off my pen. When I write on my blog, or send truly thoughtful emails, I have no idea that I’ve been writing for two hours.

Sometimes it happens with ultimate. A tournament weekend will go by insanely quickly. Disappointingly quickly. And for me it’s not because of the party and social stuff, it’s the playing and competition. (Although, that’s starting to become different in Hawaii. I look forward to the social stuff just as much as the playing, which is a new thing for me.)

Mostly, though, what I've finally admitted...is that the thing that I’ve done in my life where I feel totally immersed has consistently been...acting. When I’m on stage, at rehearsal or in a show, I am only aware of what is happening at that moment. No matter how small the show is (read: five people in the audience for a show in Lewiston), I am totally connected. I am not doing it for anyone other than myself. I feel accomplished, contented, challenged, insanely obsessed with it.

I think about people who stay at work for twelve hours a day because they are so into their jobs. Or someone who surfs that long because they can’t imagine doing anything else. Or professional dancers. My brother and sister-in-law on their farm. C with his theoretical math. DZ with any number of things. I realize that for a long time I was trying to find my obsession, my thing that made me neglect everything else. I often tried to tell myself and others that writing was it for me. I was jealous that they didn’t spend their days bored, frustrated, unable to feel truly connected. I filled my days with endless activity to fill the hole of not doing what I truly loved. I didn’t want anyone to think I was a drone. And I didn’t want to admit that what I really want to do, what I would spend my life savings on, is trying to become an actor. Somehow that’s always been shameful for me, like it’s not an intelligent enough career/life choice. Like no one would respect me if that’s “all” I did because actors are stupid and it would mean that I’m stupid too. And I guess the only thing I’ve ever really felt self-confident about is my intelligence. And there was no way I was going to give that up when the rest of my life was in shambles….when I was unable to feel confident about anything else.

So, where does this leave me? Am I dropping everything to move to Hollywood? Will I no longer play ultimate or drink wine? No. Not quite. But it does mean that I’ll probably look out for some auditions when I get back to Honolulu. I'll probably try shifting my priorities from being an athlete to being an artist. I'll really think more consciously about what I want to do with my time and what my real interests are. Not what I think I should be doing.

Mostly, though, this is just more awareness about who am I am where I want to be going in the world.