Satisfaction

It's usually at really random times that I have those massive, life-changing thoughts that bring me to my lowest lows and highest highs. It was crossing Palolo Ave near McDonald's this afternoon. The hand went from red to walk, and my first step onto that white paint was like my own personal Platform 9 3/4. I crossed over into some other realm. Something shocked a smile onto my face. Something made me feel like everything from that point on was going to be different. Something made me shake and twist and skip with elation. And it was this thought, "I am free."

Free like I've never been before. And rather than letting the fear and vulnerability of it paralyze me, I actually felt better than I have in a long time. I mean, it was completely amazing to finally - FINALLY - just feel settled. Settled with myself. To be able to say that "I am free," and be so totally confident about all of the implications that go along with that.

These past weeks I've had about as much spiritual, emotional and soul-soothing growth as most people have in their entire lives. Or maybe more than most people ever have. And I am so glad for it. I had been face down on the pavement, slamming myself against it trying to break through. I had been using everything in my power to get where I am now.

But then I stopped. Just like that. I actually stopped forcing the issue. I just stepped back on the curb, walked back down the sidewalk from whence I came, and reclaimed myself. Because for the past decade, I feel like I've been dragging behind. Like parts of me were too heavy to bring through the shit, and pain, and fear that I needed to get through. So parts of me made it to the other side, but the rest was so hesitant to follow. But I know now that it's because I wasn't giving my whole self the chance to step off the curb.

So these past 4 weeks, I've sat with myself. I've asked myself every question I've ever really wanted answered. And I let myself feel the depths of all the misery and pain I was hiding from and pushing away. And now I've grieved with that girl I was ignoring for so long. And now I get to move forward. I get to be the whole person I've always wanted to be.

I get to be me!

And, fuck, I feel so relieved. No matter how thick the air is in Honolulu right now, I'm breathing it in deeply. And I feel like I've never felt before. I'm free to be me.

And if I'm really honest - finally - I LOVE BEING ME.